Friday, October 13, 2017

I'm a Dummy

I stuffed newspaper in my clothes, put on a monster mask, propped myself up in a chair near the front door and passed myself off as a Halloween dummy. Some friends came over for dinner and noticed my craftsmanship. “Wow, look at the dummy,” said the mother and the father in the group. “It looks so real.” Their 8-year-old disagreed. “It looks so fake. There’s newspaper sticking out of the sleeves,” he said. Before I could scare the family into a coma, the boy gave me a good hard kick to test the dummy’s durability. Yup, a dummy for sure.

Pumpkin Patched

We got some pumpkins from the local patch. My 6-year-old son picked up a large one. “Wow, you can carry it,” I marveled. He was so proud of his strength. To demonstrate, he carried the pumpkin all the way to the car. At the door, the pumpkin took a spill. And spill it did -- all over the ground. “Daddy, fix it,” he wept. “Wow, you destroyed it,” is all I could say. Again, he became so proud of his strength. To demonstrate, he smashed the pumpkin into several more pieces. That patched things up.

Spooky Place

My 6-year-old son shut down his room to decorate it for Halloween. When he finished, he re-opened it for his mommy and daddy to experience. At the door we noticed an “Open” sign and another sign nearby with the letter “A” printed on it -- just like those health board rating signs in restaurant windows. Upon entry, my wife and I removed the “A” and shut the place down for extensive fake blood and green slime violations, among others. The place will remain closed until at least the four surrounding walls and the ceiling are found.

Scare Mommy

I took my family through a haunted house. I didn’t think it’d be too scary. My wife and 6-year-old kid were so frightened they actually sustained traumatic damages. When we got out, my son said to me, “I don’t ever wanna do that again . . . But when we get home, can we scare Mommy like that?”

No Touching

At the Halloween store, my 6-year-old knows not to touch anything. “That mask seems cool,” he said. “Daddy, can you touch it and tell me what it’s like?”

Snake Lady Gives a Licking

Mommy got into the Halloween spirit. She dug up some rubber snakes and ducked behind the couch until an opportune moment to pop out and scare our son. “Phhsssssss!” She and the snakes exploded from hiding. “Mommy,” our 6-year-old said, “you got spit on me. Yuck. Eeeuw. Gross.” For his response, Mommy licked him like the snake lady she was. 

Free Couch

My 6-year-old son and I were on a walk to the park when we came across a couch someone had placed in front of their house at ...